


The Pink Panthers

by Darthanne, Misanagi



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fangirls, Humor, Meta, Multi, Parody, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2004-03-01
Updated: 2004-03-29
Packaged: 2017-10-12 16:38:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/126906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darthanne/pseuds/Darthanne, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misanagi/pseuds/Misanagi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unknown to all, there is a secret organization dedicated to protect the GW fandom. When evil arises the Pink Panthers step to the plate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hexadecimal00](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Hexadecimal00).



> This is an early Birthday gift for the Evil Overlord, Hex-sama. We regret to inform that non-idiotic fangirl was hurt in the making of this fic.
> 
> Big thanks to Lady Shadowphyre for the quick beta.

"I don't believe this," Alexa snorted in disgust. "Another attack against one of our top agents."

"These people have no idea who they are dealing with," Raberta rolled her eyes, and adjusted her halo. She'd polished it ever so carefully that morning so was taking every opportunity to show off its extra special shine.

Alexa smiled sweetly, that same smile that had made those in the know quake in their boots. Their enemy had yet to recognise it for what it truly was. "I think it's time to call in the big guns," she said.

"Yes," Alexa replied. "I do." Her fingers reached for the phone, the special bright pink phone that she kept by the side of her computer. She dialled the number quickly and a man's voice answered.

"Heero Yuy," the voice sounded gruff as though he had been interrupted in the middle of something important.

"Is Relena there?" Alexa asked, twirling her red horns absently with one finger.

"Excuse me a moment." There was a scuffling noise in the background.

"Relena Peacecraft-Yuy here. How can I help you?"

"The Pink Panthers." Alexa spoke the code phrase quickly, knowing that Relena would know what it meant.

"Understood and acknowledged," Relena hung up and Alexa dialled the next number.

"Hi, you've reached the residence of Hilde and Duo Maxwell. We're unable to come to the phone right now because Hilde's having her evil way with me." Duo sniggered. "Ow, babe, that hurt."

"Good, " Hilde replied. "Hilde here. Sorry about that, my husband's in a playful mood tonight. How can I help you?"

"The Pink Panthers."

"Understood and acknowledged." There was a pause. "Duo can beg for forgiveness later. Thanks, A."

"Dorothy's just arrived," Raberta announced. She frowned. "I don't know how she always knows there's a crisis on before we've announced it."

"It's the residuals of the ZERO system," Alexa commented, absently. "It's the same way she always knows where all the Gundam pilots are, and what they are doing at any given moment." She grinned evilly. "I do so love the way she provides us with video tapes of it as well."

"Oh yes," Raberta replied. "We're very lucky that she's using her abilities for the powers of good." She frowned. "It's strange thoughthat the ability only allows her to observe and transfer 3x4 lemon onto video, and none of the others."

"Oh that," Alexa smiled. "It's the yaoi factor. I read a research paper on it once. Very...interesting." She picked up the phone and dialled the next number.

"Good evening, this is Quatre speaking. How can I help you?" Alexa smirked and Raberba shot her a glare.

"He's with Trowa, remember?" she hissed.

"Shh, Bob, he'll hear you," Alexa rolled her eyes. "Besides I'm good. I don't use the pink stick for that sort of thing anymore. I'm a reformed character, remember?"

"Riiight," Raberta - who usually went by the name Bob so that she wouldn't get confused with her distant cousins, the Raberbas - did not seem convinced.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" Quatre sounded very polite, but Alexa knew that they were treading on dangerous ground.

"I'm looking for Catherine Bloom." Changing the subject quickly seemed like the more sensible approach.

"She's in the kitchen talking to Trowa." The two women could almost see Quatre's frown, even though the vid function was off. "Who shall I say is calling please?"

"A friend," Alexa replied. Darn it, that Quatre was too observant for his own good. Catherine had hidden her role in their organisation well, which only served to reinforce the fact that Trowa wasn't the only infiltrator in the family.

Dorothy entered the room and helped herself to a chair. "What's it this time?" she drawled. "Character bashing, NCS fics, an outbreak of little ones or angels?" Dorothy shuddered.

"Girl bashing and Duo NCS fic all in one," Bob pulled up the computer screen and showed Dorothy the messages, which had taken them to defcon 3. "This situation needs immediate containment before things getnasty."

"Do the boys know?"

Bob snorted. "Of course not! Give us some credit. Do they know that we've been protecting their cute arses for the past how many years? Do they even know our organisation exists?"

"Don't get your bra in a knot," Dorothy rolled her eyes. "It doesn't go with that whole innocent act you seem to think people are still buying."

"They aren't?" Bob's lower lip quivered, before she sighed in defeat and gave up the act altogether. "It's the company I'm keeping," she declared sadly.

"Ssh," Alexa waved a hand in their direction. "The Pink Panthers," she spoke into the phone clearly.

"Understood," Catherine replied. "I'll be in as soon as I've retrieved my equipment." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "My darling brother and his husband have got rather kinky in their sex life...but then you ladies know that already." The phone went dead.

"I hope no one overheard that," Alexa gave the other two operatives a worried glance.

"Catherine would be using the scrambler," Dorothy reassured her. "Who else do you need to contact?"

"Une, Sally and Noin," Alexa looked down the list. "I'll phone Une and get her to notify the others as we're on a deadline." It was fortunate that they were all working the same shift at Preventer's HQ.

To her surprise a male voice answered the phone. "Preventer Chang."

"Umm, I'm looking for Lady Une." Alexa exchanged a worried glance with Dorothy and Bob, as Wufei's voice sounded over the speakerphone. It was weird that all the calls had been answered by the boys. Maybe the current problem was more widely spread than had been first thought.

"She's in a meeting."

"This is important," Alexa tried not to sound too impatient. After all she was a professional and this _was_ a routine mission.

"So is the meeting."

"Here, let me." Bob grabbed the phone. "Wufei, dear. Get your arse into the meeting and give your illustrious commander the damn phone."

"I beg your pardon?" Wufei didn't sound very impressed. "Who is this?" The sound of a female voice could suddenly be heard in the background and Wufei muttered something under his breath.

"Good morning, this is Lady Une, how can I help you."

"The Pink Panthers," Bob said. "And could you please pass the message along to Sally and Noin?"

"All hands on deck?" Une sounded surprised. It had been a while since all operatives had been required for a mission.

"Yes," Bob answered. "We have a bad feeling about this one." Alexa and Dorothy nodded. "Oh, and Une," she added sheepishly. "Could you please apologise to Wufei for me."

* * *

Meanwhile on the other side of town, two girls rushed home from school discussing their evil plots.

"Besides," said one of them, "she thinks she is so important, like she is the queen of the world or something like that."

The second girl looked at her friend for a moment with puzzled eyes. "She was the queen of the world," she said, but after she saw the rage on her friend's eyes she concluded, "but she sucked at it!"

MaryKoi smiled after she heard that. She was glad that ChibiSue agreed with her. The pair of friends had spent a lot of time writing and talking about their new obsession. It was called Gundam Wing and it was everything their teenage hearts desired. As far as MaryKoi had managed to discover, Gundam Wing was a romantic story between five homosexual teenage boys fighting against some annoying female characters who persecuted them. It was also rumoured that the setting was some kind of war and that helped a lot with the emotional scenes.

Soon the pair arrived at MaryKoi's home and assumed their normal positions in front of the computer screen.

"So what shall we do now, Koi?" asked ChibiSue. "We can work on our Duo NCS fic or we can check the mailing lists."

"I think we should go to the mailing lists. We posted that Relena hating message yesterday and I'm sure by now we have some people that agree with us. After all, the little queen isn't popular at all. The fandom preference for yaoi couples proves it!"

"Let's see," said ChibiSue looking at the screen. "We have one reply!"

"What does it say?"

ChibiSue started reading in a high pitch voice: "I hate to shatter your illusions, kids, but Relena is a very capable and resourceful character. You might try actually watching the series before you attempt to inflict any more posts of this nature on this ML."

MaryKoi raised her head and stared at the screen. "We don't need that! We've read enough fanfiction to know about the series characters!"

"It doesn't end there," announced ChibiSue and she cleared her throat before continuing, "I'd also like to remind you that character bashing, whether it be Relena or ANY Gundam Wing character is not tolerated on this mailing list, and is against list rules."

"Rules?" interrupted MaryKoi. "What's this? School? We don't need rules!"

ChibiSue didn't comment and instead kept reading. "Therefore you are twacked for two days while you rethink your ideas.

Signed, Alexa (list admin with a big pink stick)"

"What?" screamed MaryKoi. "She can't do that! Not when we have this whole Hilde masculinity post planned!"

"I think that Alexa is evil!" whined ChibiSue.

"Who does she think she is?" asked MaryKoi as she got up from her chair with a disgusted look on her face. "I can believe she likes Relena and has a pink stick! I bet she is a homophobic and just doesn't want to see poor Hee-chan and Duo together!"

ChibiSue nodded. "There is no other explanation."

"We need to defend Hee-chan's and Duo's love!" said MaryKoi "It's the right thing to do."

"So what shall with do?" asked ChibiSue, looking at MaryKoi with admiration.

"We need to attack!" said MaryKoi with an over dramatic tone. "And if we will do whatever is needed Love shall prevail!"

As if the sky had heard what the teenagers had planned, a heavy rain started falling on the city and angry thunders could be heard above the nasal voices of the girls.

"It is done!" said MaryKoi, taking a step back to observe her masterpiece.

"Just one click and it will be alive," announced ChibiSue.

At the same time the girl pushed the enter key, a bright ray appeared on the sky and the havens roared louder. The girls' giggles could be barely heard as they stared at the computer screen, the words "Death to the GW Girls ML" clearly displayed on the screen.


	2. Chapter 2

"Relena is here," Dorothy announced, "and Hilde is with her."

"Good, we really don't have time to lose," said Alexa, returning her eyes to her beloved laptop.

Bob smiled at the possessiveness Alexa showed towards her toy. It was really unfortunate that the super laptop that never froze and had unlimited Ram space couldn't be taken out of the Pink Panthers Head Quarters.

"What's the emergency?" asked Relena as she walked into the room, followed closely by Hilde. "We came as fast as we could."

"It's nasty, we are dealing with girl bashing and…" Bob hesitated for a moment, knowing that the messenger had a bad history of getting killed after delivering bad news. "And Duo NCS."

"What?" asked Hilde. "I really wish they would stop doing that to my husband. There is only one person who has the right to torment Duo and that's me."

"And you make sure to do it on daily basis," said Relena, while she took a seat on the comfortable couch.

Hilde smirked, "I need to make sure he behaves."

"And what about her, Hilde?" asked Dorothy, pointing at Alexa. "She torments Duo for her amusement on daily basis too."

Alexa glared at Dorothy and if the latter had been someone else she would have probably ran away really fast. "I only torment Duo within reason and I always give him back after I'm done. Besides I have special clearance since I'm the one spying the net to make sure he is okay."

Everyone gave Alexa a condescending look. "Yes," said Dorothy and rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say."

"Besides," continued Alexa, ignoring Dorothy's commentary, "Hilde is the one who likes to play cops and robbers with Duo."

Bob stopped pretending to ignore the conversation and turned around so she could hear the complete details. The pilots' kinks were always a topic of interest.

"You are mistaken, Alexa. Duo is the one who likes to play and it's not cops and robbers, it's OZ officer and Gundam Pilot."

"Would that have anything to do with Duo's mood when we called?" asked Bob, the curiosity in her eyes betraying the fact that she wasn't the innocent little girl she wanted everyone to believe she was.

"Duo got a little too excited and he managed to rip my uniform jacket." Hilde sighed. "Do you know how difficult it is to fix those things?"

"So?" asked Raberta, unconsciously biting her nails.

"You are a perv, you know that, Bob?" said Hilde.

"If I admit it, will you go on?"

"Just ignore the brat," said Alexa to Hilde. "Don't let her stop you."

"I really don't know which one of you is worse," said Hilde shaking her head. "I'm not going to hear the end of this unless I finish, am I?"

Alexa and Bob nodded, wearing identical evil smiles on their faces. Everyone knew that when that smile was used, resistance was futile.

"I made him fix my uniform," confessed Hilde. "I told him that if he didn't do it he would have to find alternative means of satisfaction since I wouldn't be helping him."

"Wait a moment," interrupted Relena, barely holding her own mischievous smile from appearing. "Are you telling us that Duo Maxwell sat with a needle and thread and mended your uniform?"

"It wasn't as simple as that," replied Hilde, smiling as well. "I had my evil way with him as he sewed."

"And here I thought that my brother and his husband were the only ones with a devious secret life behind the bedroom doors."

"Welcome, Cathy," said Alexa. "We didn't hear you come in."

"Of course you didn't, you were a little busy talking about important subjects."

"Important indeed," agreed Raberta. "All this information is crucial to our network."

"We need to be on top of things if we want to do our job well," added Alexa.

"So I guess you want details from my side too?" asked Catherine, putting her bag on the floor and settling beside Relena for a comfortable girl talk.

"Not really," said Alexa, giving Bob a small wink. "We are well informed on that end."

Bob grinned and used her hair to hide the expression on her face. She may know it was useless but she still liked to play innocent, even if no one believed her and took every opportunity to remind her of that.

"I was finding all those comments about handcuffs and chocolate body paint you keep making, suspiciously accurate," said Catherine. "So, who is your contact?"

"We have visual evidence," said Bob, playing with her hair, as she looked at Dorothy.

Catherine laughed. "I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. If they ever find out about it, you will need someone to type your fics for you for the rest of your life. Besides, you know how intuitive they are, especially Quatre. He was asking a lot of questions before I left."

Alexa suppressed a shudder and searched for the pink fic stick hidden in her clothes. "We have them in a safe place," she said, grabbing the stick for support.

Catherine raised an eyebrow. "Them? As in more than one?"

Bob, deciding that the conversation was taking a very dangerous turn, decided to change the subject as quickly as she could. "Relena, I heard that Quatre and Trowa aren't the only ones into late night dessert."

Raberta had succeeded in changing the direction the conversation had taken but she didn't diminish the dangerous level one bit.

"I thought I told you that in confidence," said Relena, using the polite aristocratic façade that meant she was getting really angry.

"You never said I couldn't tell," replied Bob as she gave Relena her best sweet smile.

"You'd better start talking," said Hilde, smiling at Relena. "You know they are not going to stop until you do."

"Very well," conceded Relena. "Heero has this thing about feet. And there is no way I'm going to say no to a hot guy who enjoys getting on his knees to lick honey from my toes. Bob suggested to try sugar too so my feet could get exfoliated at the same time. It worked wonders."

While Relena kept her face held up high and had delivered the news as if she was talking about the way ants gathered their food, the other occupants of the room started to feel a little hot.

 

"And how would you know about the sugar, Bob?" asked Alexa in her best teasing tone. "Aren't you supposed to be all innocent and sweet?"

"Oh zip it, Alexa. Remember you are the one who corrupted my name."

"It's not my fault you decided to associate with me. The reputation is part of the package."

"Trouble in paradise?" asked a new voice, coming from the door.

"We really need to start paying attention to the door," said Alexa. "Who knows who may come in next?"

"Une will be here in a moment. She needed to sort out something before she could leave the office," announced Noin as she entered the room.

"What did we miss?" asked Sally, following Noin inside.

"Not much," answered Alexa. "Let's see… Duo likes to sew in his free time while Hilde plays with him. Catherine confirmed that Trowa and Quatre use the Winner fortune to keep unlimited supplies of chocolate body paint and have a stash of handcuffs hidden in the closet. And Heero enjoys bowing before the former queen of the world and worshipping her feet."

"I'm glad we didn't miss anything else," said Noin, with a sarcastic tone.

Sally laughed. "Don't tell me this doesn't put your relationship with Zechs in a new perspective?"

Noin glared at the doctor. "Like you are one to talk, Miss. 'I'm married to a guy who likes to drink tequila shots of my navel as foreplay'."

Raberta smiled, moved closer to Alexa and whispered. "This is going to be interesting."

"Very, and we didn't even had to interfere this time," Alexa whispered back.

"Lucrezia, you shouldn't talk so freely if you too have things to hide; or do these lovely ladies already know about Zechs' hair fetish?" asked Sally in a sweet voice that deceived no one.

"Hair fetish?" asked Bob. "That's so common," she said, her voice filled with disappointment.

"But he has a fetish about all the hair in his body," said Sally, with a smirk.

Noin opened her mouth to reply but she was interrupted.

"You two are at it again?" asked Une, coming through the door.

"That's it!" said Alexa throwing her hands on the air. "We are getting a bell for that door."

"But that can wait until we resolve this urgent issue you say you have." Une returned the conversation to the matter at hand.

"Right," said Alexa, concentrating on her laptop again. "It's time to work."

\------------

"Anything else we need to do?" asked ChibiSue, leaning back on her chair. They had just spammed all the new mailing lists they had just joined with invitations to join /their/ new list. After all what was the point of creating something brilliant if you couldn't share it. And, they had reasoned, there would be a lot of people eternally grateful for this public service.

MaryKoi bit down on her lower lip, chewing on it as she thought carefully. "We've made a mailing list, advertised it, and spammed. Hmm, what about creating an archive? Somewhere where people can come to read about their favourite pilots and laugh at those misguided bitches who think they actually have a chance of catching them."

"Ooh, that's so kewl," ChibiSue knew that there had been a reason why she had made friends with MaryKoi - apart from the fact that her friend knew everything there was about writing lemon of course. Who needed to do research when you had a friend like MaryKoi?

"We could link to all the cool anti character shrines out there," MaryKoi pondered.

ChibiSue agreed. After all it was common knowledge that the only characters worth writing about were the pilots. She shook her head, wondering not for the first time, why these other mailing lists needed such things as rules. They were probably run by old ladies old enough to be her mother. She shuddered at the thought of someone the same age as her mother reading about yaoi and getting off on it; no one over the age of twenty-five was to be trusted, it was basic common sense.

"I don't believe this," MaryKoi thumped her can of coke down on the computer desk. "That bitch Alexa has replied on six of the mailing lists we posted to."

"What did she say," asked ChibiSue, peering over her friend's shoulder.

"She's accused us of joining the lists just to spam them. Apparently," MaryKoi repeated the words in a sarcastic tone, "it's rude, and against list rules." She made a mock gagging sound. "What is it with her and rules anyway? Oh, and get this, she's waving that pink stick again."

"Maybe that stick is the source of her power?" ChibiSue said. "I wonder…" Her mind wandered was temporarily distracted by thoughts of her precious Hee-chan and Duo having sex in their Gundams. She snorted, remembering some stupid fic she had read about them going on missions and having battles with their mecha. The fic had even had Quatre fighting bad guys and winning. It was ridiculous. He was so angelic and innocent; and Trowa would never allow his little one to do such a thing!

"We need to find out where she keeps it and steal it for ourselves," MaryKoi decided. She logged into yahoo groups and looked up Alexa's email signature on the bottom of one of her posts. "How many lists does she own anyway? She's trying to take over the fandom, that's for sure and it's our duty to stop her!"

"She might not be working alone," ChibiSue pointed out. It was one thing forming a mailing list, and an organisation to protect the Gundam pilots from those girl characters, but this was different. This could be dangerous.

"Right," MaryKoi snorted. "Like there is anyone who could possibly agree with her and want to work with her. She's a dictator and it's our job to stop her." She posed dramatically. "We owe the fandom - and the pilots - this. Everyone will thank us for it later. We will be famous and talked about at yaoi conventions for years to come, as those who saved them from this terrible threat."

"So how are we going to stop her, and steal the pink stick?" ChibiSue wanted to know.

"She has a live journal," MaryKoi informed her smugly. Bringing up the web page, she whooped triumphantly. "There…see…"

"What," asked ChibiSue, frowning. "I don't see anything."

"Save me from idiots," MaryKoi muttered under her breath. "See," she pointed at the screen, "there's a hidden link here."

ChibiSue stared at it, not wanting to admit that she couldn't see anything. MaryKoi was so much cleverer than she was and knew everything there was to know about Gundam Wing and hot bishie sex. Being those few months older and fifteen made all the difference. "Where," she asked finally, in a low voice.

"It's hidden, silly." MaryKoi rolled here eyes as though that explained everything. She rose to her feet, and started walking out of the room. "Well, aren't you coming?"

"Coming?" ChibiSue stared at her. "But I thought only Gundam pilots came…" She blushed. "Oh…that sort of coming. Umm, where are we going?"

"We're going to get ourselves a thing of power," MaryKoi replied. "And then there will be no stopping us!"

\-------------

"So what do you think?" asked Alexa as soon as she finished her briefing.

"I don't like this at all. They've even created their own mailing list and who knows what's next," said Hilde.

"And those things they write are disturbing," added Relena. "I really don't mind all the 1x2 going around, Hilde and I have to agree that it would be a pretty exciting picture but what they are doing to Heero and Duo has no name!"

"Yes it has," said Sally, barely hiding a laugh. "According to the information I've found, it is called 'Aishiteru my Koi' and it's about Hee-chan saving his koi from a perverted man who has kept him in a dungeon for some years, beating and raping him."

Everyone in the room cringed but Sally had more to say. "It shouldn't be that bad; it says here that it is PG 13."

"This is a critical situation indeed," said Une. "We need to contain it soon so we can stop it from spreading. This kind of bashing has a high factor of contamination."

"We need to locate this MaryKoi and ChibiSue as soon as possible," said Noin. "They are dangerous."

"I'm going to be dangerous once I find them," commented Hilde as she cracked her knuckles. "I need to set a few things straight."

"Things, bones," said Dorothy, waiving a dismissive hand in the air.

"You do have to leave some for the rest of us," commented Relena. "That fishy girl should learn that you can't go around calling a dangerous ex-terrorist -chan and get away with it."

"Especially if said terrorist is married to Relena Peacecraft," said Dorothy with a sarcastic tone on her voice.

"Dorothy, you do know that the Peacecraft line is a peaceful family. We do not support acts of violence of any kind." A small smiled appeared on Relena's face. "But after all, I'm a Yuy now and open to different approaches."

"Anyway," interrupted Alexa, "as much as I like to hear your revenge plots we need to find these girls first. Then we can discuss all the methods we can use to correct their evil ways."

Bob chuckled. "Polite as always. Alexa, you have the unusual ability to plot devious plans and make them look as innocent as a grocery list."

"It's a gift," said Alexa, smiling.

Raberta rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say."

"As I was saying," continued Alexa as she glared at Bob and tried to get the conversation back onto topic. "I was thinking that Dorothy could use the leftovers of the Zero system to try to find the girls."

"I can't. I can't pick those kinds of brain waves. The Zero system was created to enhance brain activity and to find the girls I would need to lower it. They are out of my range."

"So we need to organize a search party," said Catherine.

"We can start in the places they frequent and I can hack into that new awful mailing list they created," Noin suggested.

"Great," said Alexa, "you do that and…"

The rest of her words were lost when the room started to glow pink and an alarm rang loudly.

"What does that mean?" asked Catherine, gesturing to the pink light bulbs that illuminated the room.

Raberta and Alexa shared a look. "Someone is trying to break into the safe box," said Bob.

"The videos...." Relena's voice trailed off.

"And other...things," Alexa confirmed.

The girls glanced at each other, each reaching for their hidden weapons and ready to take on this new, yet obviously underestimated enemy.


	3. Chapter 3

Someone had breached Pink Panther HQ! With the fangirls at large, and unsure as to whether the two threats were connected, the operatives had decided to split their forces. Alexa, Catherine, Relena and Dorothy were heading down to the basement to apprehend whoever had the nerve to attempt to break into the safe, while Raberta finished the debriefing regarding MaryKoi and ChibiSue.

Pausing outside the door, Alexa cocked her gun and nodded at the other girls. This was most unusual, not to mention downright annoying. No one had managed to get this far inside HQ before; usually the carefully placed boobytraps did the job they were designed for and caught intruders before they managed to get past level twenty-seven. "All ready?" she whispered.

Dorothy grinned at her, her hair an eerie shade of pink in the dim light. She drew her sword and ran one finger over it. Relena gave her best Peacecraft smile, but there was an element to it that the public never saw – this was definitely not a look that one would expect to see on a pacifist. Catherine tested the weight of her throwing knives, and nodded.

Whoever had dared to go up against the Pink Panthers would never know what hit them…until it was too late.

Entering the room quickly, the girls surrounded the two figures dressed in tight black outfits. "Turn around slowly," Alexa snapped, pointing her gun at them, "and keep your hands where I can see them."

The two intruders turned slowly and one of them smiled.

Quatre looked almost amused. "I told you that phone call was an important clue," he told his companion smugly.

Rolling his eyes, Trowa snorted. "Put the weapons down, ladies. I assure you we're not planning on going anywhere. At least not for the moment."

"Trowa Barton Bloom Winner!" Catherine threw one of her knives, pinning her brother by to the wall by his sleeve. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I would have thought that was rather obvious," Trowa replied, dryly. "Taking back what is ours." He paused, glancing at the bag of CD's Quatre was holding. "Just how long have you been recording us for anyway?"

"Long enough," said Alexa. She motioned with the gun. "Put the bag down, Quatre. Where /are/ your manners? I do believe those are /ours/."

"That's an interesting concept of ownership," Quatre pointed out. "I don't remember either Trowa or I giving you permission to…capture any of our activities on film." He frowned. "And I know for a fact that there are no hidden cameras in our apartment. Why would you want to…" His voice trailed off and he blushed a rather fetching shade of red.

"We have to be kept well informed," Alex told him smugly. She turned to the other girls. "Right, ladies?"

"Oh most definitely," Dorothy purred. "And that's a lovely colour you're turning, Mr Winner."

Quatre muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like 'shut up'. "Lower your guns," he repeated Trowa's earlier sentiment, before he walked over to his lover and removed the knife that was holding Trowa to the wall.

"So that you can go tell my husband and the other pilots about our organisation?" Relena shook her head. "I don't think so. We've worked too hard and for too long to simply let you go." She gestured with her gun, ignoring the glares the boys were giving her.

"Cathy?" Trowa turned to his sister. "What the hell is going on here? And who is this?" He nodded towards Alexa.

"Alexa Bond, at your service," Alex gave a mock bow. "And Relena's right. You know too much for us to simply let you go." She pulled a couple of pairs of handcuffs out of her pocket.

"Bob knows you all too well," Dorothy shook her head in mock sadness. "You /are/ a pervert!"

Alexa snorted. "Perversion is in the eye of the beholder, my dear." She threw one lot of handcuffs at Catherine who caught them neatly, and then placed her gun in her belt holster, and grinned at Quatre. "This one's mine."

The other girls glanced at each other. "Umm, Alexa…" Catherine rolled her eyes. "I thought that you weren't going to do that sort of thing anymore?"

Trowa and Quatre took a step backwards, their stance suggesting that they were prepared to fight their way out.

"Do what?" Alexa smiled sweetly. "For goodness sake, Catherine, what do you think I'm planning? I'm not evil, how many times do I have to tell you that. I've mended my ways, I'm now sweet, innocent, naïve…It's been at least two days since I wrote any angst and…."

"You're not a lemon writer!" Dorothy finished off for her. "Give us a break, Alexa, we know you, remember?"

"Yeah right, so says the woman who gave us all the material on these CDs. If anyone is kinky around here, it's you, Dorothy." Alexa sounded annoyed. "All I was going to do was cuff him so that he doesn't make a break for it, once we get above this level."

The boys exchanged another glance, and began backing towards the door. "It's been nice meeting you, Ms Bond," Quatre said politely, "but we really have to be going now. I have a WEI board meeting early in the morning and Trowa and I need to…"

Four guns turned on them in one fluid movement, Alexa having re drawn hers immediately. "Not so fast, little brother," Catherine chastised. "Cover me, Relena." She glared at Trowa, grabbed his hands and cuffed them behind him. "I'd do the same to your husband but /someone/ appears to have the other cuffs."

"Is this really necessary?" Quatre asked. "I thought we were supposed to be on the same side! Cathy, Trowa's your brother…"

"I didn't see you complaining about handcuffs when you and Trowa were playing in the…" Alexa's voice trailed off. She'd said too much.

"How in hell did you know about?" Quatre took another step backwards. "And what's on those CDs…exactly? 3x4…" His voice trailed off and he turned pale.

Dorothy grinned. "Exactly, pilot 04." She shook her head. "For an ex Gundam pilot you're very slow on the uptake at times."

"But Trowa likes him to take it…." Alexa made a funny choking noise. "Now then, Quatre, be sensible. Dorothy's got you covered; how far do you think you'd get anyway? You're twenty seven levels underground and we have agents guarding every level."

"This is ridiculous. Just what is this organisation anyway?" Quatre put his hands in front of him and let her cuff him. "And I assure you that Trowa and I have no intention of trying to escape…"

"You forgot the yet, Cat," Trowa added dryly. "I'd like to know what my sister and our friends have got themselves into before we leave."

"Very sensible." Ignoring Trowa's comment, Relena nodded her approval of Quatre's plan. "Even if you got past the other floors you'd still have to confront our receptionist, and Jeannie is very good at what she does."

The other girls nodded in agreement. "Very good," confirmed Catherine. "Nothing gets past Jeannie, nothing and no-one. She knows all the secrets and isn't above using them to tease everyone if the need arises. She's our Vice-moderator."

Alexa nodded sagely. "And God knows we have enough vices around here."

******

MaryKoi could see her friend was confused. Her eyes were open wide and she kept looking around the place as if she was amazed by everything she saw.

ChibiSue was easily impressed, that's why MaryKoi had taken her under her wing. Being the most experienced of the pair, she had introduced her friend to the wonders of yaoi lemons, gay sex, boy smut, bondage and the different uses of peanut butter. She knew that ChibiSue looked up to her and that's why she tried to be a good example. They had been doing just fine. That was until that Alexa had interfered with all their plans, making them look bad.

"I hate Alexa," commented MaryKoi, letting all her anger manifest in her voice.

"I'm worried about her evil remarks affecting our popularity," said ChibiSue, looking concerned. "After we got all those nice reviews for 'Aishiteru My Koi'."

MaryKoi didn't have the heart to tell her friend that they weren't really that popular and that she had written all of those reviews herself in an attempt to look admired and attract more readers. MaryKoi was still waiting for her first authentic piece of feedback. "Don't worry. No one is going to listen to her, not once we get what we came here to find."

"And what is that?"

MaryKoi resisted the urge to hit her forehead. She was sure that she had explained that to ChibiSue countless times. Sometimes she really wondered if her friend listened to all the wisdom she had taken the time to share or if she was simply too busy thinking nonsense to listen to her. "We are going to get something more powerful than the mighty pink stick!"

"Is that why we are here?" asked ChibiSue gesturing to the violet sign that said 'Shinigami-Twin's One-Stop - Power Writing Shop: For all your fan fic and writing power needs.'

"After some research I concluded that this is the best place to go," said MaryKoi as she took her friend by the hand and dragged her inside the store. "The Pink Stick of Doom was forged here. If we are going to beat that pompous Alexa, we are going to need to be prepared."

MaryKoi didn't waste time looking through the bookshelves or the original series videos, but instead walked directly to the counter. When she noticed that there was no one there ready to help her, she banged the glass loudly and demanded to be heard at once.

Moments later a girl appeared from behind a violet curtain and stared at the girls with a look that froze them in place.

"You know," said the girl in a casual tone. "It's very rude to bang other people's property. I wonder if they teach manners any more."

MaryKoi felt like screaming. What was it with people these days? The world was out to get her again, she knew it! Everyone she met could think of nothing but how to make her life miserable. Still, she stayed silent because she had the suspicion that if she managed to piss off the girl behind the counter even more, she wouldn't be telling the story. She would smile, shut up and then plot revenge. Yes, sweet revenge.

"We came here looking for a specific item," announced MaryKoi, deliberately ignoring the girl's previous remarks.

"And what may that be?" the girl asked, with a disinterested tone. She was annoying MaryKoi more every second.

"Look, Shi," spat MaryKoi, after reading the nametag the girl was wearing. "We are the customers here so if you want us to buy something from your petty little store, you should treat us nicely."

MaryKoi heard ChibiSue gasp behind her and she could almost see her taking a step back.

"Actually," replied Shi while she checked out her violet nail polish. "You are free to leave. Our merchandise is very expensive, anyway."

MaryKoi clenched her fists and gritted her teeth. How dare that trashy girl imply that she had no money? MaryKoi had lots of money or at least she should have more than a girl who was forced to work in retail. "I need a Pink Stick of Doom," said MaryKoi raising her chin. "The biggest and mightiest you have; money is not a problem."

Shi put a hand beneath her chin and the other one was fidgeting with her violet scarf. "Sticks of doom, sticks of doom... I don't think we have those or anything like that in pink."

"That's fine," said ChibiSue, talking for the first time. "Pink sucks anyway."

MaryKoi rolled her eyes and turned around to look at her friend. "Shut up, silly."

"What did I do?" asked ChibiSue innocently,

"Lord, give me patience!" MaryKoi exclaimed. "We /do/ want a pink stick!"

"But, why?" ChibiSue questioned. "I thought pink was only for annoying girls."

"Because, silly, if Alexa has a Pink Stick of Doom I want one too!"

ChibiSue nodded in understanding and MaryKoi could swear that she heard a chuckle behind her. She turned around but Shi was regarding her with the same boring look she had been using since she entered the store. MaryKoi dismissed the noise as an unimportant detail. Maybe she was imagining things.

"We are sorry but we don't manufacture Pink Sticks of Doom," announced Shi. "The one I think you are referring to was custom made. A very special request so it was a once in a lifetime thing."

"I want a stick!" screamed MaryKoi, no longer able to keep her temper in check.

Shi smirked. "Well yes, most of us do but the point is that what you want is impossible. However, I do have one 'Yellow Poking Thing of Delusion' left."

"A what?" asked MaryKoi, not feeling amused at all.

"A 'Yellow Poking Thing of Delusion'," repeated Shi. "It is really effective but I would understand if you don't want it. After all, it /is/ quite expensive..."

At first MaryKoi hadn't been impressed at all with the weapon being offered but the fact that it was pricey said a lot about it. Nothing that was cheap was good and nothing that was expensive was bad. It was one of life's rules and common knowledge.

"I'll take it," announced MaryKoi with a triumphant voice. "Now, Alexa is going to be the doomed one!"

*******

"I still say that the direct approach is the way to go," Sally said. "They're obviously misinformed and need re-educating."

"I'm sure I could re-educate them about a few things," Hilde agreed, leaning over the plans covering the conference table. "Hmm, this might work." She pointed to the page thirty-one of the Pink Panthers handbook. "Ten step plan for dealing with fanon and bad characterisations at the hands of under age fangirls."

"It sounds good to me," Une said. "We've had a lot of success with that one before, especially step seven." She finished cleaning her gun and slipped it back into the hidden holster inside her jacket. "I'm very fond of step seven."

"You're not the one who has to clean up the mess afterwards," Bob reminded her. "That last fic we had to deal with was really nasty."

"Zechs and the bananas," Noin shook her head, her lips pursed together. "These girls are so clueless. If only they knew what my husband really did with bananas…"

"Message from the away team," Jeannie poked her head around the office door.

"Away team?" Sally sighed. "You've been watching too much Star Trek again, haven't you?"

Jeannie snorted. "There's no such thing as too much Star Trek. I've been watching it for over thirty years and it's made me the woman I am today." She paused. "So do you want the goss or not?"

"Sure," said Bob. After all now that the others were returning they might as well wait before deciding to go ahead with their plan to take down the poor misguided fangirls.

"Now should I tell you or not?" Jeannie grinned. She settled herself on the top of Alexa's desk, and played with the top button of her leather jacket.

"Stop teasing!" Noin scolded her.

"Why?" Jeannie said. "There have to be some perks at my age."

Everyone in the room glared at her. "But we're nice sweet young things," Bob protested. "You aren't supposed to use our own methods against us. It's not fair!"

"All is fair in love and war," Jeannie smirked. "Anyway as I was saying…" She paused. "You did want me to tell you who they caught, right?"

"Yes!" They chorused.

Before she could answer, Alexa entered the office, Quatre and Trowa behind her, and the rest of the 'away team' behind them. The pilots were handcuffed and they both looked somewhat pissed off. "Jeannie," Alex said, "we're going to need some tea." She frowned, and rubbed at her temples. "I have a headache coming on."

"Right," Jeannie gave Quatre's hair a ruffle as she headed out to make the tea. "Hello, ducky," she said. "Going for a different kind of fashion statement with those handcuffs are we?" Quatre glared at her. "Tsk tsk. Trowa, you really need to teach that husband of yours some manners."

"There's nothing wrong with /my/ manners," Quatre muttered. "I'm not the one going around handcuffing people and videotaping …"

"They found the CDs?" Bob sighed. "I told you, Alexa, that keeping that many copies wasn't a good idea, but…"

"We have to be on top of everything to do our job properly," Alexa reminded her haughtily.

"There is one solution to all this," Une commented.

"Not step seven!" The other Pink Panthers all glanced at each other.

"We could…"

Jeannie's voice sounded over the office intercom and interrupted whatever Une was going to suggest. "Shi's on the phone," she announced. "Something about some fangirls buying her last 'Yellow Poking Thing of Delusion.'"

"Would someone mind telling us what the hell is going on?" Quatre took a step forward and placed his hands on the desk, the cuffs making a dull thud against the solid wood. "I think you ladies owe us at least that much."

Hilde snorted. "Owe you? We've been saving your cute butts for how long now?"

"Saving /our/ butts?" Trowa raised an eyebrow.

"Shi is on hold," Jeannie reminded Alexa. "Do you want me to put her through?"

Glancing around the room, Alexa's face was grim. "This, ladies" she nodded in Trowa and Quatre's direction as well, "and gentlemen, is a declaration of war."


End file.
